shredded wheat saturday

hey lovelies :):)

this morning’s lovely breakfast was cold cereal, an old favourite.

post shredded wheat, alpine swiss muesli, ripe banana, natural raw almonds, cinnamon&ginger and skim milk

i was actually planning to make creamy rice cereal (bob’s red mill) for both my brother and me, but i was in a bit of a rush as my appointment this afternoon was bumped up to an earlier time. ugh hate that, especially since i was planning on going to my house beforehand to do some stuff…so i had to sort of switch things around and do that afterward. that’s okay though, it means that i was able to have cereal! because i took a photo, i loaded it up on my computer and did a few things before eating it, so the milk really was absorbed. it was virtually gone and the shredded wheat at the bottom were so soggy aha…it wasn’t the best though, but i’ll try this again.

it’s pretty unpleasant out today, sort of rainy/snowy, same as yesterday i think.  but so much colder than it looked! and very windy, i was almost falling over sideways, im not kidding. ah im talking about the weather…i just have nothing interesting to share. but i wanted to write and just say, “hello”. so…hey there, how are you doing? ;)

today i had an appointment, and it was okay i guess. i just hate how awful i feel when i’m there, i just get so miserable, and i’m always asked how i am doing, what i’ve been up to, updates on jobs and everything. and i feel so stupid and worthless time after time delivering nothing positive. i don’t know if you know that feeling, just like not wanting to be you, to be there, to feel anything…like i just hate myself in those situations and i feel really icky, i can’t describe it properly, it’s just a feeling but it’s quite strong and, well, i don’t like it.

“He wished he could be anywhere else and anyone else but Here and Him.”

(James R Silvestri, ‘Hawthorn Road’)

she actually brought up the weight thing again. this might sounds confusing but  i don’t see her for eating/weight/etc reasons, though because my weight dropped a bit it’s something we’ve been talking about a tad, and also because of my stomach stuff. but she just wanted to be able to check it each time i saw her to make sure it didn’t drop. she didn’t say that i’d have to gain, though she’d be happy if i did. but i was just, idk not wanting to be weight (she brought it up as a question first, as if i had a choice but i guess that was not the case)…anyway. it was the same as last time. but i told her that i just became more anxious because either it would go up and i’d feel gross, or stay, or go down and it could be for so many reasons but i was afraid that she’d only think that i’d done it on purpose. because i know that it’s difficult for people (doctors, friends, parents) to trust us because we can manipulate  others and ourselves, and what not. but when we are really telling the truth…does anyone really believe us?

she assured me that she just wanted to make sure it wasn’t dropping. i just sat there for a while, awkward silences and she said “it would be irresponsible for me, as a physician, to ignore the fact that you’re up and walking around at a bmi of xx”…and i was like, noo that’s not my bmi. she said it was, and i said, that’s not possible with this height and weight, etc. anyway, she said, “okay but even if it’s higher it’s below xx”…i sound like a bit of a bitch now. and im so scared she’ll come across this page here, so i just want to put it out there that she’s really sweet and i don’t not like her, but today, ugh i just felt odd and angry and i knew that the numbers were not correct. but, in the end, they seem to get the last word…if she was right, then okay she’s right. but if she was not right, well jen it’s below this number bmi anyway so…yea, still an issue. but of course i don’t mean that i want to prove the doctors wrong. that’s the opposite, i’m so afraid of many things and have ideas of how i can get something, etc so more often i want to be proven wrong though. so that my worst fears, nightmares, don’t really come true.

*****

ahhhh anyway sorry for this, once again. i think im treating this as a journal, which isn’t good. i guess it’s a good idea to try to work out thoughts, but only if i come to conclusions, and only if it helps me right? and so far i think im just repeating things. i just hate that now i have one more thing that im anxious and stressing about when i see her. and one more thing to feel crap about, whether it goes up or down.

on another note though, i just finished a clif bar for my snack. well, i’ve eaten them before but i never have the entire thing, i might give a few bites to someone else. im not sure if this was a good idea or not. it tasted amazing (oatmeal raisin walnut) but certain things worry me, like if i’ll get sick or if its was too much fat, cals, fiber, etc…but i did it and i hope it’s okay. it has protein in it and my dinner tonight won’t have that much, so i was hoping it might make up for that :) it was also the last one in this box of five i got on sale…last fall i think, or like late summer aha. my brother finished two boxes in like a week or something. i have a few to try though, the choc-almond fudge one, a blueberry-crisp one which we don’t have here (from a lovely friend in the states) and a chocolate chip-peanut-crunch, so three new ones. although i think i tried the last one once in second year or first year uni, but i was eating it like a lunch replacement and decided i didn’t like them as they were too rich, like cookie dough and not bread-like or soft like other bars. so i would only have the oatmeal or carrot ones. but i thought i’d try it again. because i didn’t used to like the apple larabar and its one of my favourites now.

one of my collections starting :) actually i threw them out afterward, i only need one collection. so it’s at home. and it’s just larabars because, well they are just the simplest design. im probably going to forget this soon, and i know you’re likely laughing at me right now. but if it makes me happy, which is a rare thing…then i should just do it :P

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago...”  (Cheri Huber)

i hope you’re enjoying your weekend, and are happy & healthy. take care of & be nice to yourselves, please…you deserve it.

xox

jen

thoughts on a tuesday morning

hey lovelies :):)

how are you all doing?

this morning’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal.

shredded wheat, plain cheerios, alpine swiss muesli, 1/2 banana, tbsp golden raisins, natural raw almonds & skim; sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger :)

today i’m planning to go visit my house and do a bit of…housework/chores. random, but i’m also looking after it a bit while my parents are away, and they have a few things that they want checked. i hope to stay there overnight, but i’ll be leaving my cat ;( oh well, my brother is here. she’s staying with us (cat) while my parents are away as well. but i feel badly when i leave her, especially when i’m supposed to be looking after her. i don’t mean like every hour on the hour, etc. but overnight, i usually realise that i’m lonely when i stay over there, but it’s a bit fun to get away from my apartment with my brother. they have more tv channels in the evening :P ah jk. sort of. i don’t watch that  much i promise! but i also feel as though its still my home, and i have things there and will probably do laundry over there.

i’ve been having larabars recently. i have a few from a while ago, and some from christmas. i buy a few at a time and then eat them in stages. i get so excited to buy them, but eating them seems like a bit deal. im not entirely sure why though.

yesterday i had a favourite, but unfortunately they don’t have them in canada yet :/ this was from when i went to new york. yes, that was in october…:P i don’t like the cashew one that much but i love this one. yet it’s virtually the same? the addition of salt maybe changes it. because i know it’s not the chocolate chips since i don’t normally like those. anyway it’s good. it is a bit chewier and less crumbly than my favourite, the peanut butter or peanut butter chocolate chip ones. but i think that’s why it has a similar texture to cookie dough.

another one of my favourites :) peanut butter (or peanut butter cookie in the states); this photo was of the first larabar i tried in that flavour, over a year and a half ago i believe. and it was a pb cookie from a friend in the states :P so it was true to it’s name. i love how it;s dry + crumbly yet flavourful like a yummy peanut butter cookie.

well, i’ve had really conflicting thoughts recently. actually i always have them, but they’ve been worse lately. i had a naturopath appointment recently, as i thought (and my therapist) it might help my stomach ailments. i had previously visited one but they are quite expensive. she took my blood pressure and my weight, but asked if i wanted to not see the number: “a lots of people get stressed out about that and would rather just not know”. i said that she could just look at it herself, but when i stepped backward onto the doctor-style scales i regretted my stupid decision. i thought that i might be loads heavier because i always am at doctors versus an at-home scale, plus the one we have at home is old and i always add a few pounds onto it to feel like it’s legitimate. but the thing is, i’d rather know it then anyone else. so i was just standing there as she recorded it and i was thinking, fuck i want to know it. know i don’t know but she does, and she’ll tell my doctor, etc. i sort of forgot about it and honestly assumed i’d be five pounds more at least (typical, plus i step so slowly on them when im alone and sort of bounced right onto this one)) as it was a doctors scale. but she apparently told my therapist my weight and bp. now, that’s sort of like german to me. i don’t know what the numbers mean (xx over xx), and i couldn’t recall it when my mom asked. i remembered an eighty but not the other. but my doctor called my parents to say that she was worried, and i found out that the number was a bit scary-low. honestly, i think it’s a combination of stress, and that she took it right as i sat up. and often it doesn’t go back to normal when i change from sitting/standing, etc. still though the number was low and now im a bit worried. i didn’t want to mention this on here because, for one, it’s numbers and just sort of personal. also, i feel like i’m boasting (in a sick manner...because who wants someone to be concerned for your health) and yet now doing anything about it. your’e probably thinking, ‘wow okay…so you have poor results and you’re still not getting better or doing anything about it’.

also, i mentioned to my doctor that i was having at least a certain amount of cals per day (to my therapist) and that i had possibly reduced by 100-200 since last fall or so. and she thought that the number was pretty high, which made me doubt myself. and i hate how i think this way. i thought i wasn’t that much, yet for most people that amount of calories is a lot. and even before i developed eating issues i’m sure i didn’t eat that much. and i don’t want to be constantly defending myself and telling people that actually that’s not that much food, or that i need more, etc. i don’t want to be consuming a number that seems high for people. i know that sounds silly, and that i just need to do what’s right for me. but the problem is that i have no idea what is right for me. i don’t know what’s ‘right’ anymore. when i was younger i didn’t count anything like that, i just ate when i was hungry,  often when i wasn’t because i did competitive swimming. but i’ve always been conscious of what other people think of my diet/intake. and if my therapist thinks that this number is okay, or high enough…then i’d feel gross having more. does this make any sense? and i see her for my anxiety and other issues like that, not anything ed related. i never speak about it unless she prompts me with something. so i’m not required to gain or lose or anything like that. yet, i guess.  but she just said, ‘don’t lose anymore okay?’

i’ve never consciously gained though, only when my intake was low and i would just eat a bit and then randomly have a lot, and my metabolism was fucked up and i gained back most of what i had lost (at age 15). so those are the memories i have of gaining, and the more i gained, the more disgusting i felt. the more i just wanted to lose so badly. im sorry if this is triggering. but i guess when you’re in ip or something like that, people are making you gain so it seems like its not your fault? i mean, in both cases, you’re gaining weight. but if it’s being forced you can think, okay i wouldn’t do this to myself it’s someone else’s choice. it just all comes down to the regret thing. for such a long time i could not lose, either i gained or maintained. and now that i’ve lost, i don’t want to consciously gain because i have this fear that  i’ll keep gaining and never will be able to lose anything. so part of me is like, jen no don’t mess this up or you’ll suddenly gain and feel awful, wishing you had stayed where you were. i realise that it has to be my choice, my decision, in order to fully recover and be happy with myself. but i know i’ll be so unhappy and hate my body and everything. i don’t know how to be happy with myself, but i know that if i’m not…well i won’t be able to live life normally and have a career because i’ll always despise my appearance. i realise that there is so much more to life than this, however the way that someone thinks about themselves is also important. confidence, or lack of confidence, plays a huge role in whether someone can be successful, happy, etc.

ughlskdfj okay end rant. i hope this wasn’t crazy confusing. i have a horrible habit of, like, not making any sense. seriously. i think i am making sense but then i realise that i’m just not and people are thinking, whaaa? i just feel very odd spilling all these thoughts because i’ve never really talked about my issues regarding weight and food and history on here. plus, so many people that i used to talk to or blogs that i read are not there anymore. and those that are there focus on other things. because they want to think about something other than this disease that makes them feel like shit. which makes sense. i just feel so embarrassed because i have like no life. and i want to give you something positive to read, i really do! i’m realising that i have so many habits and try to control and plan things, that if my day goes differently i get so anxious. but i’ll need to change this a little bit when i work. and i feel like people are reading this thinking, what the hell does she do? i’m searching for a career right now and i’m currently doing a little internship. otherwise i’m just trying to get through each day. how pathetic is that? i am so anxious and honestly each day seems like a struggle. but when i look back i realise that i haven’t accomplished much, even though i seemed to be doing so many things. it’s not as though i’m relaxing…but i do have a bit of time. i think it just takes me a long time to do things…

ahhh okay i’m going to stop now before i create a novel. i hope you’re all doing well, and i’d really love to hear from some of you :)

xoxox

the sunday blues

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone’s sunday?

i’m feeling just a bit sad today. anxious and a bit sicky, plus i always have a tough time (this is embarrassing considering my ripe old age…) when my parents are away on a long vacation; even when i went to school across the country and rarely saw them, knowing that they were gone, not accessible made me sort of weirdly upset. and i get awful stomach symptoms which might be related to that, or stress, or something else. but i just get this sad feeling, its like homesickness but intensified and doesn’t go away. i can feel it and i’m so aware that its about to hit me. i’m really hoping i can avoid anything like that this time. i mean…it’s a bit pathetic and i should be okay. maybe if i distract myself? i’ll try, anyway. i just feel a bit lost and it seems as though this will never end. at the moment i feel sick and scared, and i hate this so much. but onto other things…

ginger raisin cinnamon muesli oats!

mixture of quick oats, alpine swiss muesli & org oat bran cooked in water + microwave, with natural almonds, golden raisins, cinnamon& ginger, topped with crystallized ginger and milk

i found this photo online and thought it was quite fitting (minus the fact that it’s granola) :) and really pretty.

so, i’ve been feeling very stressed. it’s so annoying though, because i can feel my mind racing and i try to sort of plan and control things, but then i have so many thoughts and i can’t distract myself, so i try to figure them out, and end up thinking even more…but i can’t leave them alone or i get more anxious. does that make any sense at all? or am i just really crazy…

i’m trying to distract myself with things that i need to do, or just things that normally calm me…like writing (here…) reading, films, walks, tea. but nothing is helping. im just sort of losing it by now. i know it might pass but it doesn’t help the fact that it’s here right now. i keep telling myself, calm down jen its anxiety, you’re okay, just breathe. but it’s not really working.

as i never seem to show you any photos of my lunches, here is one from a little while back home: one cold (the best way) hard-boiled egg with salt and coarse-ground pepper, piece of whole grain bread with creamy honey (looove) and cinnamon, baby carrots and ginger, unsweetened applesauce and cinnamon, chamomile herbal tea :)

do any of you have tips (like foods, drinks, or calming activities) that help you relax and avoid anxiety and stress attacks? i need to find better ways to cope with this, and i’m at a bit of a loss, really.

i also just found out something about my health, some not so pleasing results and i sort of had a wake up call. well i didn’t know them but my doctor/therapist actually contacted my parents first, so i felt a bit shocked and upset. now, i know how annoying it is when someone writes this (when they’re clearly not taking care of themselves) and then says, ohh gee how is this happening? and they still go on worrying about their calories and sodium and fat intake. but, on the sodium topic i cannot believe i made myself get sucked into that. i’ve NEVER worried about that, even from the beginning when my intake dropped and i counted every gram of fat, i never worried about sodium. i fucking need it, it hydrates you and prevents goiters…:P

but most-importantly your body needs it in order to function properly. and low sodium levels can lead to low blood pressure. god im such a fucking idiot. anyway, never again. it’s good to not go wayyyy overboard but, seriously, it’s fine to have salt. anyway. but i often find that no one takes you seriously until there is a physical example or evidence that something is wrong. i’ve always felt panicky at times, and would be so nauseous and weak and dizzy, even at a much higher weight. so i know that my stress and anxiety is really messing me up, not just the weight thing. i’m not making any sense here, but i complained of this for a while but everyone thought i was just overly-concerned because nothing showed up in any results. but now that there is ‘evidence’ and what not, people are suddenly concerned. it’s also scary, because you don’t think that there’s a problem, you don’t really think that you’re in danger until something like that shows up in a test, and it’s normally a bit late by then. i don’t even know what im getting at here. but im pissed off and scared, i don’t know what to do because what i’m doing isn’t helping anything. i am not sure how im going to get better from any of this, i honestly seems “too far gone” by this point. that’s such an awful attitude but it’s just too hard to try to combat the fears and anxieties and ignore the billions of triggers that i get on an hourly basis.

i want to leave you with something positive though and, since i cannot provide that myself today, i’ll get some outside help :P

i constantly show this clip to people but it’s too much, seriously it kills me every time :)

until next time, and i will be happier…i really hope so anyway :/

breakfasts with my many thoughts

hey lovelies :):)

it’s cold and sunny today, quite a change from yesterday’s mild and foggy weather. and it was snowing earlier, large fluffy flakes falling from the partly sunny sky :)

today’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shredded wheat, plain cheerios and alpine swiss muesli, along with natural almonds, golden raisins, sliced banana and almond milk. with cinnamon & ginger of course.

no photo, as it didn’t look very lovely, even though it tasted good. the silk regular almond milk, which i never have, is the same one that my mom bought for the rice pudding recipe last week, so im using it up as  no one else drinks it. plus, i didn’t have to buy more milk this way! i usually have (cows) skim to drink, or on my cereal at least. this almond milk was a bit of a challenge because i usually have skim or 0% soy, and i guess im used to not much fat from milk on my cereal. partly i thought it was easier on my stomach maybe, but also its a food fear thing. it was creamy, but not the unpleasant heavy creamy sense like i would associate with milk fat, and i actually liked it! i kept reasoning with myself, as i eat almonds all the time and they obviously contain fat. but i am not sure i can tolerate this, stomach-wise. maybe it will improve with time?

how awkward are my titles? im so embarrassed actually, but i realise they’re nothing witty, i just like to make a title that isn’t, “wednesday january eighteenth” like i used to. 

i finally uploaded a few breakfast photos from the past little while.

(eaten & enjoyed at home, with the same coffee mug and table)

all were quick or instant plain quaker oats, microwaved or with a kettle :) i actually like that sometimes, instead of old fashion oats or oats on the stove top. plus, these were all early running days, so i wanted something that would not take too long to prepare as i was really hungry!

so, what have you all been up to lately? i must admit, i’ve been bad. well, not great. not trying, not positive, not motivated. it sucks and it will change i promise.

i’ve been having such mixed feelings and emotions lately regarding eating. in advance, this will be really awkward and maybe triggering, and please don’t attack me. but on one hand, say i’ll have something, but not all of it because i’m afraid it will make me sick (so at this point im not thinking about weight at all). and then i’ll think, no jen eat it all of course, its not much and maybe you’re stomach is always upset because you don’t eat enough. but then i realise that most people don’t eat when they feel sick, plus im eating more than i did pre-ed and i do virtually no exercise, its pretty awful. so whatever i choose, my mind (on one hand) tries to justify it or make me feel better, with either “its good you didn’t eat it all because you’re probably just going to feel ill” or… “ good, you ate all that so now you’ll have more energy”, etc. and i’m not NOT eating in general, i don’t like to mention calories because everyone is different and i know i’ll be judged no matter what. but my breakfasts are quite sufficient, and i eat often, snack and meals. its just that some meals are small, and my dinner is often the same amount of calories as my dessert/evening snack. its like i hate feeling full and it make me scared, not so much about weight concerns, but that i’ll get sick.

i don’t know it this makes any sense at all but i feel like i need to say it, justify something, get some advice. and that’s why i’ve been looking at the calorie count forums, where most of the girls (boys too) are eating much more and in recovery. and the amounts scare me so much but it reassures me that i can have more. yet, some people cannot eat that much, i mean some people go into a phase in recovery (if they’ve been on a starvation diet which i haven’t unless im sick) where they need high amounts of calories to maintain or gain. so then i think, well jen you don’t need that! you’re not a teenager and you’re hardly moving at all (and this is not ed talking i promise)…because i’d  probably gain on (using numbers now) 2000+, i maintained on just above that but i was at a higher weight. so im so confused. i know that people saw we need much more, but im not active and im getting older. and before any ed stuff i swam a lot but never had like 3000+ calories and i was maintaining at a higher weight. again, im sorry for this but im just so confused and i keep looking at it in opposite ways and im trying to justify my decisions, reassure myself each time yet i feel like im lying to myself. ugh i don’t know what to think and i hate being this scared and not assured all the time, most people just eat, drink and be merry. i mean they don’t freak out about every fucking choice, but i feel so scared like my body is just going to react a certain way. since i’ve been getting really awful stomach symptoms (lately like severe nausea, i mean debilitating) i am terrified to “upset” it (quite literally too) so i feel like i’m not in control of anything, especially my body.

okay, i never like to talk about the eating thing as if it were another person. i never say ohh my eating disorder says this…etc because, well im not entirely sure i even have one. but also i never felt like it was a separate thing controlling me, i felt like it was me, always me, but different parts of me…like the anxious and stressed jennifer, the self-conscious part, the obsessive part, the part of me that wants to be in control or wants to be thin. does that make sense? i just don’t like reading things when people talk about it like it’s another person, a monster, because it makes me so uncomfortable. but, that being said, i know that many people feel like that is what their ed is, and i fully appreciate that. everyone is different.

today’s outfit, though i was really hesitant to post it because of how i look. and my legs. see im never going to be happy, and i know they look big or normal or whatever. ldskjfdlj. but i wanted to post it and there’s not point in pretending i look any different than i do, right? it’s hard to be pleased though, that’s for sure. i know i’ll never like my lower half unless im like a lot lower than i am, which would make me less healthy, and even then i’m sure i wouldn’t be content. the sad thing is, that i used to never wear tights or leggings or skirts, i love them now. but i only wore skinnies (jeans) as i thought they, at least, made my legs look a bit smaller. but i just have short legs, with muscle and not straight up and down. and soon i won’t want to wear tights or skirts or anything like that. and i hate how my weight sort of limits how i can dress. and i know i’ll likely never stop envying other people and their bodies. even though i know that i can never really change, because this is how i am built. many people believe that eating issues are usually not about weight, or just about weight. i guess that can be true, but for me, i think its largely (bad choice of word, but it fits) about that for me. except maybe the food controlling and restrictions and size or limitations. that’s always been a thing.

i failed, once again, to bring you something short and sweet. it’s never short, and it’ve never sweet. i admire other writers and bloggers (i should not consider myself a writer bahaha) who can produce lovely simple yet captivating posts, it gives a sense of calm, and i love how they can get so much across in such a short space. is it a bit too much to read? please be honest! i want people to want to read this, even though that might be a high expectation. and i know that a lot of writing and thoughts, especially about weight and possibly detailed descriptions might be triggering. but this just seems natural, at least this post, and i don’t feel like im forcing something else…sort of like what i used to do in my early posts.

i hope you all have a lovely wednesday :)

xoxoxoxoxox

meals and memories

 

hey lovelies :):)

i hope you’ve had a lovely start to the week. it’s foggy, rainy and mild out today. january thaw, i guess…this morning’s breakfast was a bowl of oatmeal, banana-almond-pecan oats ;)

mixture of bob’s red mill organic oat bran and old fashion oats in water, with 1/2 banana, natural almonds, cinnamon&ginger, topped with a few tbsp alpine muesli, natural pecans & almond milk

i was just out at second cup (a canadian coffee franchise) with my dadio, part of his birthday gift/treat of a coffee…i still owe him more though of course. we just talked, and i felt so stupid because i had issue with going out and getting something. i won’t explain more because it really makes no sense to anyone else. and i just was strangely sad and depressed. but i was happy to go out with him though, that’s for sure!

i found this survey on the calorie count forum, but it seemed really fun and i wanted to try it out. i just like remembering things from my childhood, so this was just one of those things :)

When you were a kid, what was your favourite...

Fruit? – grapes (green)

Vegetable? – potatoes

Meat or alternative if vege? – probably beef, like homemade beef patties (i hate that word though) or roast beef

Carb? – i guess cookies? aha

Drink? – apple juice, milk (chocolate, but it was a special occasion thing as my parents never bought the nice stuff and only added syrup which i hated, well it just wasn’t chocolatey in the right way you know? nestle quick or something i think it was called)

Sandwich? - Peanut butter and honey; cheese + jam (yes, like real cheddar and pure jam…often with creamy honey too but idk why, sugar over load it would seem); hmm and baloney :P (always ww or whole grain bread, we weren't allowed white)

Breakfast cereal? – well i would have loved “sugar” cereals but we were only allowed those when i had a birthday party and the girls stayed overnight (i would love cinnamon toast crunch or fruit loops) but at home we had shreddies, rice crispies or plain cheerios which i’d have with a bit of sugar, or cream of wheat with brown sugar and milk

Breakfast treat? – a “sugar” cereal; or a sweet bread on Christmas morning

Homemade meal? – macaroni and cheese (with the bread crumb topping) which my mom made

Thing to bake? – rice crispies :)

Chocolate bar? – reeces

Sweet? – cookie, banana bread (homemade)

Biscuit? – for store bought? these maple cream sandwich things? i think it’s the dare brand. or oreos..

Thing to order at a restauraunt? -  …

Thing to order from a takeaway? – we never got this…but i guess pizza is the only thing i can think of that we ever ordered, so peperoni i think?

School dinner? – …like school night i guess (i didn't;t eat dinner at school)…hm spaghetti with tomato and meat sauce

Packed lunch? – …i loved having lots of little things, but that might of been when i got more disordered; so jam, honey & cheddar on ww bread, yogurt, two cookies :P

Dessert? – ice cream with chocolate or butterscotch sauce, or topped with red sugar sprinkles, in our cupboard from god knows when…saved for birthday cakes i guess, but maybe those things don’t expire?

Thing to snack on? – …oh ants on a log (celery cut up, with peanut butter and topped with raisins); raisins was also something i liked but my mom would be so worried about cavities, as apparently they caused cavities? well the sugar…

Restauraunt? – …swiss chalet

Thing that you could make or cook? – hmm not a lot, instant oatmeal, cereal, toast/sandwiches

All time favourite food? – …i honestly can’t remember, but i recall liking sweet things; i’d say cinnamon toast, so toast with butter/margarine, white sugar and cinnamon, it was so sweet and spicy, and i would make sure there was a lot of stuff on top and eat some separately :P (now i make it with honey and cinnamon)

***********

i noticed that i had trouble remembering, and thinking of answers. i was sure that i would be able to find the things i enjoyed “way back then”. but, honestly, most memories i have are from age thirteen onward, when my relationship with food became a little wonky. i began to really enjoy things, but the fact that i can remember incidents so well lets me know that it was becoming unhealthy. so, most of those answers are  from my teenage years, and when i was looking back i saw myself eating dinner at our kitchen table in my old…old old place i guess, when we lived in a small town. sunday night dinner was eaten in the dining room, and was usually a nice roast beef with horseradish, roasted of mashed potatoes & a green vegetable. and for dessert? my brother and i would go get a bowl of vanilla ice cream with a bit of chocolate sauce, all eaten at the same fancy table right after dinner (whereas now i will not do that, and wait to have my snack later on and more spread out) in front of my parents who would sit and smile, not eating any though :P i would eat it sooo slowly though, and became a scientist, mixing my ice cream so it went through “stages”. first, think like a milkshake (i’d try a few bites), then more like pudding, then chocolate sauce! i was an odd one.

one thing i do remember, is that i didn’t care so much about specific foods, i have little memory of my thoughts around food (except that i was a bit picky and like having things that i was used to) as long as i could eat something; also, i don’t remember preparing or getting food together, and i always had to ask before i had anything; often, the answer was “no”, or i’d have to wait until dinner. but i guess that’s a bit typical of kids, as our parents were teaching us to be healthy (and not spoil our dinner which they worked hard at ;) i guess i feel as though i didn’t have a relationship with food, until it became something more, something a bit disordered, but i think it’s sort of common for people to go through stages like this. i definitely liked to eat though when i was feeling okay and hungry, it wasn’t like it was a chore all the time or anything (i know some young kids from past babysitting or camp jobs who just don’t really fancy eating, i mean little sweet things but otherwise don’t seem to get hungry).

anyway, so many thoughts. im sure you’re bored, but i always become a bit fascinated with my past, wondering what i was thinking or what bothered or excited me most. i am glad that my parents raised me  on healthier food though (and i compare this when i talk to others my age) because it also taught me to appreciate treats for what they were.

well, i’m sorry if this was a bit boring, i seem to find things to write about but then make them so dull by focusing on them so much, and then writing a novel. i guess i have a lot of thoughts. and i think that i believe i’m more interesting than i really am…but honestly it’s just that i’m quite fascinated with looking back and wondering why i acted or felt a certain way, how i’ve changed, what was going through my little kid mind. that’s why i love watching old videos. i think that i sort of want to believe that i can feel happier again. plus, i know that our past greatly contributes to who we area. well, scratch that. i mean i believe that i am composed of my past experiences and what not, so if i’m wondering why i have certain struggles, and feel like i’ll never not be afraid of things, or never stop being weird…if i can look back at myself when i was younger, and see that i really was okay, it sort of gives me a bit of hope

i hope you have a great week though! and what is your favourite things to put with oats? i know i ask that often but i need more inspiration and ideas.

xoxox jen

sunday morning oatmeal

hey lovelies :):)

good sunday morning! its a beautiful sunny (but cold) day outside. not that i've actually been out yet, but this is what i can make of it by looking out the windows :P i shall venture out later on when i walk home. i'm at my family house right now, and this morning i spent over an hour in the kitchen making breakfast for everyone.

an hour, you might ask?

well, yes! you see, i was determined to make steel cut oats properly, as close to 'le pain quotidien' as i possibly could! so i kept the heat on very low, and slowly cooked up something magical. i was proud of myself, as my parents kept saying it was wonderful, & my dad exclaimed at least three times, "this is the best hot cereal i've ever had!" now, i'm sure you lovely oatmeal connaisseurs have higher standards, but for my parents this bowl was just fine!


bob's red mill organic steel cut oats! alongside pink grapefruit, coffee & almond milk

i cooked them in water and eventually added cinnamon, ginger, cloves & nutmeg, a few tbsp golden + thompson raisins and vanilla; i added sliced banana, chopped natural amonds & walnuts to mine, along with much more cinnamon&ginger :P

we had a large bag of baby carrots best before the eighteenth...so a carrot-related recipe was in order!

anyway, i'm about to upload photos from my new camera finally, as im bringing it back to my place :) im excited to start taking photos more often (especially of breakfast). but i have to say, it is nice to just write & not worry about the food documentation, and it is nice to create & enjoy a meal without worrying about what it looks like, remembering to photograph it, take the extra tme. plus, often prettier bowls don't taste as good, at least in my experience.



carrot-raisin muffins, with TWO types if raisins (golden + thompson, as my mom purchased the former along with the almond milk to create rice pudding!); recipe slightly adapted from one of 'anne lindsay's' lighthearted cooking cookbooks

well i hope you're enjoying the weekend; i stated over at my family home last night, and was able to relax this morning sipping coffee, reading the sixth harry for the bajillionth time, & chatting with my parents about matters (both serious and light). it was pretty enjoyable actually!

here's a stylin' photo of my morning attire

enjoy your sundays and i will talk to you all soon :)

wishing & hoping...

hey lovelies :):)

another post? why, yesss, of course!

i feel more motivated than ever right now, but i know it won't last long. that's okay, i find that i just have to go with it and make the best of the little moments when i feel sort of happy. lately i've been feeling an urge to write much more often, whereas before it was forced and sort of controlled, planned. it's really odd and it comes randomly. sort of like the waves of sadness. however it never lasts long :/ so i always try to grasp it and keep it for as long as i can.



this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal!

in the mixture was shredded wheat, plain cheerios, banana, natural almonds, chopped natural pecans,
golden raisins, topped with cinnamon&ginger and some milk :)

it was wonderful. i feel really hungry now though, which is scaring me. it like pain/sick feeling and i had a snack but i don't know why i would be hungry, i had enough breakfast...? now im sipping some lovely bigelow peppermint tea mmm love peppermint tea so much :)



in my mom's old espoire (hope in french) mug by avon, for breast cancer (see the pink ribbon?)

im feeling slightly nervous as my parents are meeting with my doctor/therapist alone today. i was sort of invited, but i have experience with the family therapy thing, it just doesn't always work out the best and its very stressful. so i know she will tell them everything and they will, in turn, tell my everything. so its fine for them to meet alone. i just fear that things will be planned, put into place, that i have no control over and that im terrified of doing. so i'll hear about all of that tonight when i go home :/ ohhh god i really hope nothing is planned without my consent. i realise im over 18 but since my parents are partially paying for me (some things anyway) it doesn't matter. and even though i've graduated from uni with a degree, well i've failed to get a full time job or career-related employment and it's been since the early fall really. so that scares me just a tiny bit...


evey pumpkin loves them as well

i think the pb and it's sisters (or brothers) are some of the best flavours. that and the cookie dough which i tried (still not in canada though, pour quois larabar???) and i loved. i don't like cashew for some reason, it doesn't taste like cashews but like bacon or brocolli or something not quite right. but this only had salt as the difference (and chocolate chips) and i normally could do without chocolate in a larabar. it's a mystery, i tell you...

well! i'm off to have some lunch, clean up, etc and get my act together. i will talk to you all later, and i hope your weekend goes swimmingly

xoxox

a big friday thank you

hey lovelies :):)

i just wanted to stop by & thank you all for being so kind. really and truly :) today is a new day, which is what i keep trying to tell myself. it's odd how i can begin to feel refreshed and motivated, believe that i will never be bothered by the fears that consumed me the day before, but then suddenly i'll be triggered and back to my old ways :/

oh well, it's the baby steps i guess! i feel a bit attention-seeking when i talk like this, but i guess that's sort of a given when you have a blog. i mean, you're just writing about yourself, so i think we're all allowed a bit of space to put things down, even if it makes us focus on ourselves more than what would be deemed 'acceptable'. but what the fuck is acceptable anyway, pushhh stooopid stuff right there, that's what i think :P slash not, but im trying to not be too bothered by what others believe, i normally get swept up in that and it's not healthy! to a certain extent, yes, im motivated when i think about, not only my own desires, goals and dreams, but the expectation of others. but then you can go a little bit too far.

anyway, i wasn't sure how to really say all of this so i made you another video ;) joyyyyys. i hope you'll watch it though, but it got a bit too long. and a bit shakey, like motion-sickness inducing perhaps. gahhh i hope not!


(it gets slightly less awkward partway through...or at least you can see my face, anyway; i look awful but that's life)

off to watch more of 'hounddog' again (if i can get the dvd to work, i don't know how to switch it from tv/cable to another setting, so that's sad). i promise this isn't a daily thing. this morning i was surprisingly productive, and i feel like it's a treat to watch a bit of something in the middle of the day. it feels wrong though. dakota fanning is quite amazing, and i've loved both she and her sister (elle) for a while. but this film, well it received a lot of controversy, it was an indie and they shot it somewhere quiet and remote. it's set in a small southern town and dakota's character, lewellen, is fascinated with elvis, and uses his music to get through rough times. but her character is raped, and that scene created such an uproar. but it still premiered at sundance and finally, in 2009 i believe, came to toronto for tiff and was released in very few theatres. but a few christmases ago, my brother and i were at wallmart and came across the dvd, so he bought it for me that christmas as a gift :) i think the film is wonderful though. it's sad, but the acting is brilliant and i believe it's one of dakota's best performances. which is saying a lot, because she has embodied each roll she's played, in my opinion.

what are some of your absolute favourite films? you can pick more than one!
i know i wouldn't be able to narrow it down either :P
& have you seen hounddog?

wow im actually proud that i managed to keep this short ish. well, minus the video part. again, thank you so much, that sounds repetitive and doesn't express my full gratitude, but i appreciate each and every one of you, i really dooo :)

xoxoxoxoxox X infinity

time for a little honesty

 

hey lovelies :):)

this morning, for breakfast, i had “apple pie oats” themed oatmeal :) i was quite excited, and attempted to sort of replicate the apple larabar (we call it apple in canada, not apple pie for legal/copyright/idk reasons)…

it was pretty yummy, but i find that apples lose their sweetness when cooked, so i don’t think they are a good addition to oats, but if you have ideas of how to do it properly please let me know, as the crispin apple i had washed was quite yummy fresh but not noticeable in the oats after they were cooked (i just wrote cookied. mmm cookies :P); in the mixture was:

mixture of old fashion large flake oats & bob’s red mill organic oatbran, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 chopped+peeled organic crispin apple (huge!), golden raisins, natural almonds, cooked in water in the microwave, with crystallized ginger and a touch of skim milk added after cooking :) i didn’t have walnuts, so the almonds were a lovely substitute there

so, today i had a revelation. well, not really. i sort of already was aware of this, but i suddenly felt like i needed to explain something. i want to be honest here, and i have been leaving out a few things which probably are contributing to my recent not so lovely health (mentally and physically), but i had chosen to keep certain things private because i’m embarrassed; also, this is public and i worry about who sees it. however, i’ve already gone ahead and shared more than i’d want anyone i know to read (or possibly any career-related people, which is quite risky i think) so i might as well continue on that path. i think i finally caved because i sort of would like support here, even though i know its highly unlikely that any of you suffer with the same thing, and probably don’t want much to do with it; i’m scared that you will all think i’m wacko, honestly. like, i would also think the same thing. hmmm what am i getting into here? i’m sure this is all very confusing but i will try to be more coherent..

okay, well, i know that i’ve mentioned my anxiety issues before. but perhaps i wasn’t that clear. i have a lot of anxiety. and fears, and phobias, and obsessiveness. i guess some of my behaviours and thoughts would classify as ocd, although i do not like that term, nor do i appreciate the stigma that it holds. i also hate how people say, oh god i have ocd, im so ocd (i used to say that too, so im just as guilty), and so on. i am terrified of throwing up. seriously, and im scared of anything associated with that. and i truly mean that i think about it all the time, almost. i used to be afraid occasionally, or when i was triggered. but those thoughts and fears are with me all the time now. as in, my anxiety is sky-high almost all the time, i guess i’m just living in a constant state of fear really. plus, i feel sick nearly all the time, i have horrid stomach symptoms which i will not go into detail now for your benefit. i’m terrified of sickness, germs, etc and i wash my hands a lot. my skin is always awful in the winter, just because of the usual dryness and weather, but it’s quite awful at the moment. largely due to lack of care. lately my anxiety and fears have become so severe that it’s just interfering with everything. part of the reason that i’m losing (or was losing) is due to this, not simply ed issues. however, i’m actually eating a lot more than i used to, and i would love to eat while enjoying it. it causes me so much panic that i’m often eating a bit, getting up and walking around, taking deep breaths, etc. i hate eating out, not simply because of the unknown calories and what not, but because i don’t know if the person preparing it is ill, i don’t know what they’re doing, i just don’t like people touching my things really. when i do eat out, as a challenge, it’s normally hell. but i used to love eating out! i thought it was special, magical, just lots of fun really. like a treat :) well now it’s like a punishment, really.

are you still there? im so sorry to leave something like this with you. i should have mentioned that this could be triggering, not that i think you might suffer with this (i know i’m not the norm at all here) but that the comments on eating and weight and the negativity that surrounds this post could be a bit of a downer.

im honestly so scared to post this, and i understand (sort of..) if you don’t want to read or don’t get it or just think that i’m mental. but i want you to be honest. i just feel like the biggest fuck-up because i’m struggling with nearly everything at the moment. and i can’t handle responsibility i guess, or any form of stress without it going straight to my stomach and making me literally terrified. and its nearly all the time now. right now i feel so sick and drained and unpleasant. and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. so i guess that means its partially anxiety? but i feel ill and im so worried about being sick, constantly. and im stressed out about the fact that i’m not going anywhere (positively), and im scared of everything, really. my parents also sort of see my doctor (therapist) and they are meeting with her again, on their own, tomorrow…i hate that they’re discussing me, it just makes me paranoid. i know i need to get better (with this but also physically and with ed stuff, even though she doesn’t focus on that, apart from the weight issue) but the pressure and anxiety that i also get from them (i know they care and i love that, and i know i really negatively affect them, i know that…partly because they tell me all the time) but saying it over and over doesn’t make me think, “oh okay wow i didn’t know that, i’ll make sure to stop being so retarded now”. it just makes me more guilty and more stressed and more hopeless. ugh lskdjflksdj honestly, i never thought i would become this ‘bad’. i legitimately feel as though i have no control over myself. not my body, especially not my mind, not my symptoms (stomach) which tend to cause me the most stress.

and one of the worst things is that i’m not young anymore, im fucking twenty-two. i mean, fuck jen get a grip. take some responsibility. suck it up. i know that most people my age are already working full time, and no one takes any crap like this. but it’s not that its simply stress. i know that people deal with that on a daily basis. but when its debilitating, painful, and interfering with everything, than is it okay to be struggling? i don’t think anyone needs to suffer with this, and it’s not as though i am simply lazy, don’t want responsibilities, don’t want to work. that is not the case at all. i deal with unpleasant things on a daily basis, and i know that life is hard. but this…i mean this is hell. it’s hell on earth, literally. and i really can’t do it anymore. i’ve tried getting help, i’ve tried sucking it up but it becomes too much and then i get scared again and stop trying to move forward. its like im in limbo and i have no way out it seems.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

well, there is is :/ i wish i could have delivered a better note but that’s all i really have for now. i attempted to make it short, but my thoughts are never really clear or concise, and they never have been. i also wanted to somehow describe it in a nicer way, but i think that’s impossible, really. instead, i’ve left you with a bunch of words, and a lot of negativity.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe." -Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

i’m not trying to make people pity me though, i do realise that so many of us are dealing with our own concerns, troubles, struggles. please don’t think that i feel as though im a special case or whatever. i just wanted to stop pretending that my main concern surrounded eating, and weight, and everything that connects to that. however, i know that eating disorders are never solely about weight, i do realise that, and i don’t want to come off as ignorant. but for so long i just didn’t mention this, because it’s only become more of an issue in the last year or so, and i was embarrassed, and it just made sense to focus only on the eating thing, especially in this community, because that was something that we all shared, and all struggled with. and it just seemed easier that way, to be honest. ohhh, honesty. somehow i feel a bit better now, i’m not sure if i’m just in a bit of a daze, or what. but the weight on my chest isn’t as strong or heavy. that’s a slight relief :P i know it will come back though, as it always does. maybe all of this is something that i will need to live with, or just learn to adjust in some way.

"‘Because,’ she said, ‘when you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.’" - Neil Gaiman, Coraline

i guess i sort of feel that way. i’m, in no way, challenging myself to the extent that others would hope for, but i do feel as though every day is a struggle, every minute sometimes. but i think that’s sort of what a lot of people feel, or maybe it’s not. the thing is, and i keep telling my mom this when she asks me if i’m trying, i feel as though i don’t necessarily shy away from all of the things that im scared of. mainly because i cannot, i mean i can’t avoid them. maybe i’d like to. so, in that retrospect, i do think that i keep doing things that scare me, but then i have to deal with the consequences afterward. and whatever it does to me. that’s when i get angry, because it all comes down to that. and i’m the one who has to deal with it in the end. it’s so much easier said from another point of view, and i have a lot of trouble trusting people because of this. i rarely trust myself, even. because if something goes wrong, well, that’s what im terrified of. yet, it is my life and only i can make it work. and everyone who has helped me has done it for me (and for themselves), so ultimately we’re all trying to make things better, right? it’s not like someone’s holding a gun to my head telling me to try harder. i want to, otherwise i guess i wouldn’t be here. maybe that’s wrong, to say that. maybe i should just stop talking :P i think i will, but i promise that i won’t keep doing this, and that i will return with something happy, for once. because you all deserve that, you really do.

a meaningful monday

 

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i had a really nice breakfast. i was a bit anxious though, so that sort of spoiled the atmosphere, but i won’t talk about that. you see, as i didn’t have a photo of it, i was determined to use a photo of my own, even if i had to painstakingly search for it through my early years on here :P so, i bring you a breakfast from my past:

(the only similarity is the shreddies, but check out that loud table spread wooowzers)

this morning i enjoyed a cold cereal bowl of just shreddies, along with sliced banana, natural almonds & golden raisin, topped with cinnamon & ginger and some skim milk

it’s a rarity for me to choose just one type of cereal, so i was quite proud today ;) i haven;t had cold cereal at all lately, so this was a nice change. it’s odd to say that, as cold cereal was almost a staple breakfast for me not too long ago. fishing through old posts (and i mean a lot of posts) allowed me to sort of look back; it’s quite a cool thing to have a blog, you know? i never really documented much throughout my life so far (apart from random entries in journals, when something drastic happened…ranging from like doctors weigh-ins to actual scary events, like when my mom and i were sort of hit by a car. it’s not as serious as it sound though!) and instead i seem to remember things quite vividly. often it’s the bad memories, and i just have them ingrained in my mind forever. but i also have memories of positive times.

anyway, reading these old thought collections wasn’t really a nice experience. i’m not that honest or outright negative (i am more now i guess) but i can just see right through my words and i remember how sad and lonely i was, especially during my third year of uni when i lived alone. i was a bit off campus and ended up switching out of a lease with friends, and had sort of switched programs and lost touch with friends from there, and so on. but i just feel so sad and uncomfortable reading my old posts because i seem to be attempting to say something good, but failing miserable. i took a lot of photos though, that’s something i’m missing at the moment. but also, just the way i look at photos of myself, it wasn’t that long ago. and i’m sorry if this sounds awful and triggering and just nasty, but i feel like i looked humongous. and it’s not like i am that much smaller now, but at the time that these were taken i didn’t think i looked too awful. i mean, i always have issues with that but just the thoughts and remarks that went through my mind looking back, it was horrid. i feel awful thinking those things, as if i’m directly making a horrible remark at another girl. even though it’s me, really. i’m not sure if that makes any sense at all, but it just further stresses the fact that i’ll never be happy with my body. but also, that i won’t be happy at that weight, which was definitely healthier than now. and if i end up losing more i’ll look back at photos of myself at present and think “oh my god i was huge”…

today i’ve been sort of productive. i feel like a bit of a lazy slob when i don’t have many plans, or don’t work a lot or have outside work to accomplish, so when i feel like i haven’t done enough of that i make sure to do apartment duties, like my share of cleaning, and i did my own organizing, and went out to shoppers as part of my walk. that’s like a drugstore, hmm like walgreens i think is one of them in the states? im probably way off but that one comes to mind as i used to look at certain food product brand names for their nutritional content online and i think it was linked to that site :) its weird the things i remember. well, not really though :/ i guess it all ties into the same freaking thing. i also feel guilty buying things as i’m not working full time, but most of what i purchased was along the lines of hand cream, as my skin is awful now on my hands. not only because it’s winter :/ but, i found either generic or discounted brands, and oh my one a day multivitamin, the women’s one with calcium and more iron/other nutrients that we require, which differs from men i guess? and mascara, because i needed that.

shortly after that i sipped some lovely ginger tea. it’s a stash tea mixture of (off the ingredients)…“ginger root, lemongrass, lemon, safflower, hibiscus + citric acid”; my favourite ginger tea is from traditional medicinals, called ‘organic ginger aid’, and they have a line of stomach or other related ‘aids’ in teas but this one is six dollars or something for 16 bags, and a bit too pricey for all the time :/ it’s so lovely though, ahh :)

well loves, that’s all really. i really like being able to come on here and write, even if nothing is planned. i used to start a post one day, and plan and edit, until i published it weeks later. but it was never that impressive, so i’m not sure why i felt the need to do that. i realise that posting often and spontaneously will make my blog even more boring :/ but…ah i don’t know i mean i think this is helpful for me. and now i feel as though i’ve removed that ‘high expectation’ that i had before, feeling as though everything needed to be constructed in a certain way, and making sure that i wrote about this and that and included a photo of this, i mean i never really succeeded and i haven’t posted photos regularly in over a year.

i just love this song so much, it plays often on a classical radio station that i listen to

i hope you’re all doing okay :) i feel like everyone has been busy or absent for a bit, although maybe i’m just really boring and obsessively checking for updates :P yea, that’s probably it. lots of love though, and i’ll talk to you soon xox

larabars & baking days :)

 

hey lovelies :):)

happy birthday to my lovely daddioo :)

he's getting up there, but looks pretty good for sixty-one, i have to say ;P don't tell anyone his age though, okay? he's quite sensitive about his age...but if i were him i'd be telling everyone how old (young) i was, i don't think people are 'old' until maybe ninety-five or so, i just can't think of my parents being 'old" & probably never will...it's just too weird, really. (plus it means that im getting older, which i find very difficult to accept...) but anyway, i must remember to call him today, otherwise i'm in trouble...

so, today it's about six degrees above freezing. odd. i went for a run, and the contrast between this and last time (tuesday, minus twenty something...) was pretty extreme. i enjoyed a bowl of warm oats, but i'll spare you the recipe as it's very close to last time, if not exact :)

so...im supposed to be baking my dad a cake tomorrow ;) i hope so, anyway, with my mom. now, she always looks at lists and recipes and directions in an anal fashion (sorry but the word fit well here) & i'm, well lately anyway, sort of the opposite. between the two of us we take like 5 hours to make something i kid you not. i hope it goes faster though as the cake won'e get a chance to cool properly! :o ohh the horror. then we can ice it, decorate & serve it with some ice cream, a la mode as they say. vanilla :)

my dad has requested a chocolate cake s'il te plais, jennifer. (he asked in english though). and i know its not fair to make something that i would want. i don't think anyone would wan that :/ so this is for my dad. i might try a bit, but (for reasons other than ohhh chocolate/cals/etc) it would maybe sort of ruin my stomach. but i want to try a bit anyway, especially if i help make the damn thing :P it's a recipe from 'fannie farmer’; (nick-named fattie farmer) which is an old book. she has many 'treat' reccpes, were using just the old traditional thing, like butter and what not, produces lovely things :) but her everyday recipes a really heavy in my opinion. i remember only having one as a kid. her macaroni and cheese. with the bread-crumb topping. do you know what i mean? i loved it. later on we had it and i was shocked at how filling it as (and at the ingredient list) but my mom usually used recipes from anne lindsay cookbooks which ive mentioned before. more 'lighthearted' & healthy :)

part of today's morning snack :) this was a new flavour of those envirokidz organic nature path bars (peanit choco drizzle) which had a yummy pb flavour with peanuts in it along with the crisp brown rice. but, although the chocolate was nice, i would prefer it without too if they could do that :) i checked the website, and they have a flavour like that. but i haven't yet found it :(

anyway, lately i've been trying more bars. mostly ones from a while ago, or as gifts & treats as they're a bit expensive.

i like these :) i just love the packaging, and some of the flavours are quite nice. often though its a bit too much nut/fiber? (im not sure) for me, but i can sometimes have like half with oats, and the rest later. i've tried all the flavours i believe except the cherry tort, cookie dough, and old flavours/discontinued (they don't sell those here)...and for what's sold in canada, just the coconut one. so i might pick that one up soon :P i'm not a huge coconut fan, but since its with dates, i think i might like it. is it good???

for a while i kept saving the wrappers to make some sort of collage, since the colours are so pretty and bright. but then i just threw it out aha :P i might start collecting again though. i like the jocolat wrapper, and still have mine from last time. my favourite ones are the apple, pb, pb+chocolate chip, and also i've tried the chocolate chocolate-chip (i know its called chocolate brownie or something in the us right?) which is odd as i normally don't like the chocolate ones, but i had it during the summer and it was humid at my cottage, so i was worried that it would spoil and kept it cold in the fridge, so it was just like a lovely dark chocolate brownie piece and very firm...and i love the walnuts.

oh, yesterday i had my unplanned, unscheduled, scary work/internship day :) it wasn't too long though. we were somewhat successful, and i got a few things done. well, off i go to call my papa ;) i hope you're doing well & i'll talk to you later loves

xox

jennifer

chilly days & catching up…

 

hey lovelies :):)

wow, it’s very cold out today. the temperature suddenly dropped very low, though i was prepared because of the weather network, channels, news and so on. i had planned a run and was determined to do it today, and knew that i’d likely not want to go out later on with this forecast.

it was about minus twenty or so with a wind-chill making it feel like nearly minus thirty. that’s celsius and im not sure what the conversion is so this might not mean anything to you. but it was cold, just trust me. i couldn’t feel my face and my brain felt smushed when i got back :/ i’m not sure if you’ve had that feeling, it happens to me when i swim in our lake deep down where the water is the coldest. sort of like its frozen inside your head. i can’t describe it well obviously. it wasn’t as bad as i thought though, and the only parts of me that were cold were the uncovered areas. my headband thing shrunk so i didn’t have something to cover my ears ;( stupid jen..

anyway, once i sort of de-thawed and got ready for my day, i enjoyed a warm bowl of oats with various toppings and what not. i found this photo though, which i thought was cute. i think it’s ‘porridge’ though, which could mean any type of oat or hot cereal. but it looks yummy to me.

my bowl was plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, ripe banana, almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat squares and some milk

i don’t know why i’m doing this, but i feel like i want to post a lot more often now. even if they’re never read, i feel a bit accomplished once i do this. initially, i was looking forward to writing something. but i’ve just had a few things added to my to-do list and possibly some work this week which im stressing about because i have a few important appointments and in terms of emotional and physical health, i’m just not at my best. it’s pathetic though, i obviously need to be working, and if something like the above is stressing me out i need to just get over it. but i can’t help it. im a bit of a wreck now, i feel like my week is a bit jumbled and i like having things somewhat planned (even if things, like my own issues and symptoms usually get in the way and disrupt my life) so when i get some news, well let’s just say im not very flexible or spontaneous. i just don’t think i was born that way :/

ugh i don’t know what to do. and now im just going to be pissed off at myself for writing something so negative again. i seem to have difficulty refraining from doing this…even though no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to press publish.

something new, change the subject jen…(i talk to myself i think…) well i’ve been looking at a few blogs that i had not come across before. but most of them are finished, or the author hasn’t updated for a while. but i’m trying to motivate myself and it’s quite fun to read blogs because they can be inspiring, and i can relate to some of the things that they discuss. i’m not sure if it’s healthy though, as i usually find myself either wanting to buy certain products & goodies, and/or wanting to look more like the author, not really look but like, ugh well idk body-wise maybe? it’s something i used to do a lot, but not lately. even if it’s in an unhealthy way. and the thing is, im supposed to be gaining confidence and feeling more comfortable with myself and with life. and this probably won’t do the trick. i’m not a good influence…on myself. seriously, i mean sometimes i just need to give myself a shake, because it’s almost like i cause most of my own problems! not all of them though, i don’t think that’s fair. i’ve been feeling so sick lately and i get awful stomach symptoms and stress and anxiety, and i don’t want to feel like this at all. and i hope i’m not inflicting it upon myself…?

i just feel a bit sad, because this morning for once i sort of felt okay, and my day wasn’t going downhill too much, but suddenly it is and im feeling not so great. i hate how i can’t handle even one extra ounce of stress or pressure. im normally very anxious, and then certain things make it go skyyyy high. and it’s honestly debilitating. and i’m getting some help with that but nothing seems to be working and i know most of it is because of me. and it becomes frustrating, not just for be but for my family and any support-system that i have…how do you deal with stress? i know a lot of you are in school, which comes with it’s own stressors i know! but i get very anxious about a lot of things, not necessarily things that would stress a normal person out…if you’re understanding me at all. i know i can get wordy.

once again, well i’m sorry for being negative. but i guess this is my own blog, and that’s sort of what it is here for. but i hope to continue to improve and become happier and more independent so that i can report on something much more positive and uplifting. because i hate to be a debbie downer, and i also just feel a bit embarrassed, because i’m telling people about the negative things in my life and i’m definitely not improving my reputation around here. but until then, i hope you’ll continue to read these, and i really promise that i will improve.

i hope you’re all doing well :)

xox love jen

dancing dreaming living…

 

hey lovelies :):)

happy new year

this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shreddies and a bit of shredded wheat, with almonds, 1/2 banana and cinnamon&ginger. along with milk of course.

this is actually an image from a year or so back  in the summer, which i edited because i thought about making it a header. but then i couldn’t part with the one i have. it seemed so foreign and i didn’t like the fact that it would look totally different, since i’ve had the audrey one for a while. you see, i thought that my current one had nothing to do with my blog regarding food, just my love of film and acting. but then i realised that it was from breakfast at tiffanys…so it sort of works. and i decided to leave it. but i do like this photo of cold cereal that i took, and it closely-resembles what i have for breakfast today :)

number fifteen, “romantic flight” is my absolute favourite. please listen to it!

i cannot stop listening to this song. this soundtrack. i didn’t mention it before, because i’ve already told you about my love for the ‘how to train your dragon’ music. john powell. he is amazing. all the john’s…john debney (dreamer soundtrack) and john powell for ice age i believe. but on christmas day, while feeling like a pile of death, i watched a bit of the movie as it was playing on one of the movie channels. and the music. i can’t even explain but i just felt so incredible for a few minutes. and felt like crying and laughing and i was just dancing around like a fool. i don’t know why? but it felt good, and then once i turned the film off, it was like a light-switch. and all the sadness came back. it sucked, really.

i was just about to show an intensely-emotional video of me dancing to this song….:) ahaaa…just kidding. well not about the actual video, but i won’t show you it because i know most of you already thing im a bit unstable. for another time i guess, right? or as fred (or george?) says in the fifth harry potter book, “ah, we’ll save it for parties right?” no way, that would be embarrassing. i’ve mentioned before that i love to act, and love films, and would love to act in films, and just be a part of them in some way. i love music as well, and really admire those who do music for films. film music, soundtracks, whatever the technical name is (composers?) is just one of my favourite examples of music. that uplifting sound that accompanies films, it just makes me happy. why is that though? does anyone else get that sort of feeling from music?

i took a lovely photo of my breakfast yesterday, but forgot to add it to a blog draft, and i was at home. so now i’m back at my own computer…without the photo :( things like this really make me wonder why? and also, why am i so upset about a thing like this? it happens to me all the time. little things really get to me. but i will show it another day, it wasn’t anything truly special, but i was at home and had gone for a little run, and when i had breakfast i made plain oats in the microwave with banana, almonds, cinnamon&ginger. but i added a few dark chocolate chips on top, which i never do, and they melted a bit and paired with the almonds well. im not a huge chocolate person, and especially don’t like it in the morning. but this was just a very small bit and it was sort of good :P

i ordered a box of these on this website called iherb, which i found from another blog. it sells the types of bars i don’t have here, and this is one of my favourite flavours but it’s not in canada!!!!! oh the horror. but honestly i wish it was less sweet. i like how the cinnamon flavour is strong and over powers that soy-protein flavour that all lunas hold…but it doesn’t require the ‘ice’ part in my opinion, and i wish it didn’t, just like i wish that the others weren’t all half chocolate-covered. i like chocolate and sweet things at certain times, but i often use these bars as a pm snack, and it’s too rich for me to have something super sugary or chocolat-ey as a main snack component. but honestly, it’s not too bad, and i still like them. i realise that i’m against the norm here i guess, since most of the flavours are either iced or chocolated (not a word but it fir here), and the company caters to it’s customers.

on a sort of serious note…has anyone ever (or known anyone who has) been to ip for something other than eds? along the lines of other emotional/mental struggles…and please don’t make any assumptions with why i’m asking this, i had no way of asking anonymously. i know, i mean even i automatically think of a scary psych-ward setting with people mumbling to themselves as they walk down the hallway shuffling their feet, holding onto some portable iv drip thing. but then again, they’re still people. and i’ve changed through the years as i’ve sort of become less ignorant about such stereotypes.

well, that’s all. i hope you’re all enjoying the beginning of a brand new year. a fresh start i guess. although, we can always start fresh, we don’t really need to wait a whole year to go with the rest of the world. i like to pick random times to change and create goals. like, three minutes from now is the beginning of the rest of my life. i love saying that. it’s such a hopeful feeling, even when you’re feeling everything but. and even if you’ve just had the worst possible day, you can always turn things around.

xox love jen